It's a cycle, and it just keeps going

I always know when things are about to spiral out of control. I shut down and stop doing the essential things that I know are going to get me through. My motivation slows to a abrupt halt and I can't seem to find any spare motivation lying around. I'm stuck. And frustrated. And it feels like I can't get out.

I love BYU. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I dislike anything that I'm doing (even though my roommates might tell you otherwise). It's just that I get stressed. And for some reason, in my academic life, I deal with stress but shutting down until the last possible second, and then I word-vomit productivity out of my brain. It feels like if I wait until the last minute and have no choice but to do it, it somehow comes easier, or better. And I absolutely hate that about myself. At the beginning of the semester I was so on top of everything. My assignments and readings were done on time, if not early. I was motivated, excited, ready to learn and to do my best. And I'm still ready to learn. But somewhere along the line I lost some of my preparedness, some of my excitement. And now I'm just praying that i can somehow find it again.

I feel like I've really been neglectful by not writing about my roommates. So here's the rundown.

Obviously, Marisa is my roommate. We've been best friends for six years. She's what keeps me sane, and she's who makes me laugh more than anyone else.

Next is Xan-- we call her Peach. She's from Georgia. She loves Georgia. She's our youngin. She's loud and crazy and on the color guard. Also, she doesn't cook. Take it back. She could cook if I gave her a specific recipe and told her to cook it. She is just very indecisive.

Then we have Jerina. From Hawaii. Yeah, she's pretty cool. It's fun to have our little Hawaiian girl. Love her to death-- she is always so sweet and looking out for everyone. She and I make pancakes for the rest of the girls every Sunday morning. It's tradition.

Alyssa is the oldest, and is getting married in June. She spends her weekends with her boyfriend, so we don't see her all of the time, but she's in the English teaching program so it's fun for me to have someone to ask questions about what I will have to be doing soon.

Jessica is the other apartment blogger. She's a writer and works an incredibly early custodial job on campus. I couldn't do it and I'm impressed that she can.

Those are the girls. Having a blast with them, and so excited for some time to go by so we can throw Alyssa a bridal shower.

Bonfires, Mini Golf, and IHOP

Sometimes I miss the ease of summer semester so much that it frustrates me. School has been overwhelming and I am starting to really feel the heat from some of my classes. No matter how much I work to catch up, I am ALWAYS BEHIND. But I am learning so much that it almost doesn't bother me. Almost.

On the bright side, we've been really lucky to make some great friends in our ward and have had some really great experiences so far. Last night for FHE, we went to my favorite (OK maybe not my favorite) place in Provo, Canyon Glen Park up the Provo Canyon for a bonfire. I think that I could just put down a blanket and sit in that park for hours, no bonfire, no entertainment. It is so relaxing and peaceful and beautiful, and I have amazing memories from the summertime. I am really blessed to have a great FHE family and had plenty of fun trying to start a fire, roasting marshmallows and Starbursts, doing crazy dances that we learned from our British girls, and listening to an amazing spiritual thought.

Sunday night, after an amazing dinner at Nan's, I came home to Heath, Jerina, and Xan (roommates and a friend) setting up a mini golf course in the apartment. Now, every time Heath is over, it is time to play golf apparently. I would just like to point out that the Georgia cup is the cup we put on the ground. Good thing Xan doesn't read this.

It wouldn't be freshman year if we didn't do 12.30 am IHOP runs. Just slightly hilarious.

I am so lucky, and loving school. Just a LITTLE bit jealous that my family is headed to Rocky Point tomorrow. Oh Mexico, I miss you!

It's Cold

Let me explain to you...

-it snowed in the mountains

-it's supposed to snow down here. today.

-the 46 degree walk to class at 7:45 felt mighty warm when i left class at 11:50.

-my nose is red.

that's all.

I got Tagged

Kirsten tagged me in this blog post, so I thought that I would go along with it...since I'm not doing anything else at work (except for the stack of papers to be filed). Here are the rules. List ten Honest things about myself and tag 10 other bloggers who I think are honest in their blogging.

Here is a little insight on me:

1. I have a slight obsession with TV shows. It's lessened...a lot..since I've been at school, but I still have to watch some of my shows online.

2. I have separation anxiety when I'm away from my best friend too long. It's odd. I know. But I'm ok with being odd.

3. I drink a lot when I go out to eat. Not like..."drink"...but I have like 3 cups of water to every one cup of water that my friends drink. I'm just thirsty.

4. My dishwasher has been "broken" for the past month and a half. Last night, SURPRISE. It's not broken. We've just been handwashing dishes because we like to.

5. Sometimes, I'm socially awkward.

6. I get really frustrated that people are totally fine with hanging out with me until they find out I'm a freshman. Usually by the time they realize it though, we're already friends. And they're stuck...Can't tell you how many time's I've heard "You're 18?!?!"

7. I get really nervous about school. Because I know that I want to be an English teacher, but I'm not the best writer, and I'm not the best at grammar. But I really love to teach. And I love English. And that's what should matter, isn't it?

8. People rarely spell my name right. And sometimes it really irks me. It shouldn't, should it? But sometimes, it does. And other times, I almost wish I could change the spelling whenever I wanted. That would be kind of cool.

9. I really love BYU. And the temple (except for how cold it is on the way to the temple at 6 am). And being LDS in general. It's awesome.

10. I'm really bad at asking for help in simple things. I wish I wasn't. Mom's fault. Thanks Mom. haha kidding!

I tag Leigh Ann, Jen, Amber, Alicia, Jessica.

"Wanna Go Home"

I am so excited. I am so excited. I am so excited. I'M COMING HOME. I can't wait. Countdown is less than four days, and I am going crazy I am so excited.

Things that I'm excited for:

1. Home cooked meals.
2. Conference on the couch.
3. Seeing a movie with sissa and buddy.
4. Just being home.
5. Seeing the Merrill kiddos.
6. Stealing things (like shampoo and toothpaste) from mom's stash.
7. A good washing machine.
8. A car to go places.
9. mattie's face.
10.hami vs. chandler??

and so many more things

What I'm packing:

1. enough clothes to get me through the weekend.
2. a toothbrush.
3. makeup.
4. my scriptures.

and that's about it. because i'm going to steal lots of things from home. like a few loaves of homemade bread? my dad thinks i'm crazy. i probably am.

but i'm going home.

This Man

This man is called of God. I can't even think to try to deny that after this morning. I am blessed enough to attend BYU, where I, this morning, got the opportunity to sit on the second row of the Mariott Center, and listen to the Prophet of God teach the students of this amazing University of those men of God that came before him. He spoke of the favorite foods and songs of the prophets that have presided during his life time. He spoke of their guidance and of what message they would want us to know.

He told us that Heber J. Grant would have told us to be persistent, to never give up.
That George Albert Smith would urge us to have a compassionate heart and to serve those around us. That David O. McKay would want us to have consideration for others, not ourselves. He reminded us of Joseph Fielding Smith's example and advice to be studious, of Harold B. Lee's ability to be persuasive, and of Spencer W. Kimball's true and complete devotion to serving the Lord. He advised us to be, like Ezra Taft Benson, generous in all that we do, and to be courteous, searching for the best in people as Howard W. Hunter did. Finally, he spoke of our last beloved prophet and of his guidance to us. President Monson told us that President Hinckley would have us always do our best, that we should honor holy ground like he always did, that we should know with a surety that Jesus lives.

Last of all, he told us to look to our Savior for direction just as we look to those great prophets that have led His church in these latter-days.

I am so incredibly blessed to be able to sit in the room with the man who communicates with God in a way that I cannot even comprehend. I know that he is a prophet.

Sometimes...

I want to sleep in so bad that I would rather cut off my right arm than go to class.

Marisa and I laugh so hard that I think I might die.

My roommates make me smile. or roll my eyes. or love my life.

I miss my home and family so much that I want to cry. and most of the time I do.

I really love my job. Especially days like today when I had to go bed bug hunting and just the sight of my boss picking up the mattress was priceless.

I think that college is exactly the right place for me to be.

I don't think college is the right place for me.

I'm amazed that I got into BYU, and amazed at how AWESOME this school is. I am so lucky.

I'm so proud of my best friend that she probably thinks I'm dumb.

I want to explore every part of Provo.

I forget a world exists outside of Provo, and when I'm reminded, just want to GET OUT OF HERE.

All of the time, I'm loving my life more and more.

I miss you guys.

A lot.